Trust me. I don’t trust God. Now I do.

Posted at November 19, 2009

It would seem that somehow Doc Brown got a hold of my brain and installed a “Mr. Fusion” and the ability to not only go back in time, but forward into time. I have to tell you that being able to fly, or hey just give me the souped up DeLorean would be fantastic. I can do without the time travel abilities. Seriously, and here’s why…

I don’t trust God. Trust me, I don’t. Interesting enough I’m able to ask you the reader to “trust me.” Somehow I deem myself worth of the title “trustworthy” although I can’t seem to keep promises, arrive on time, etc. You get the picture.

Somehow I can convince myself so much that I am trustworthy, that I’m willing to ask you to believe it. I’ll advertise myself as trustworthy, dependable, and true. Maybe I should get a billboard – after all if it’s in big bold letters that should mean I’m even more trustworthy right?

Right. Wrong.

Check-In: I’m not that trustworthy on some things, but I really want you to believe it, yet I can’t trust God.

Does this mean I think I’m more trustworthy than God? Yuck. Ok for the record typing that last sentence ( the one before “Yuck,” well it really was a hard one to type. )

Sigh.

You see I trust my view on things. I trust my own brain to receive input of any kind of source: family, friends, job, life and filter it correctly. After all I’m perfect… wait no I’m not. I tell you what, ever want to really put things in the “right” perspective? Pray, then write it out and listen to how silly the “logic” we as humans create really is. I sound silly.

I’ll even tell you to trust God, but for some reason I have trouble trusting Him about whether I’ll have a good week at work or whether I’ll be happy. ( There’s a post coming about the idea of being “happy” so stay tuned. ) To keep this on topic though, I’ll sit and wonder, analyze, problem solve and do all of these things… wait a minute… I should just jump through time using my “Doc Brown Time Traveling Brain”… oh that’s right… I can’t. Because that’s not reality.

I say leave the time travel technology behind and give me the flying ability because quite frankly I can’t handle the “present” too well. I would really hate to see myself stuck in those tangents of a “choose your own adventure” life.

Check-In: I can’t travel through time, even though I try to in my brain by analyzing everything, I know I’m not trustworthy but want you to believe that I am ( looking for validation for something I can’t prove myself ) and I trust myself more than God even though I’ll tell you to trust God over me.

Wow – that’s pretty messed up thinking.

I was thinking about all of this today while I was at work. I was taking a small break and it hit me. I always label situations, things, events in my life according to a “happiness threat level.” I’m so concerned about where the next problem is coming from that I pretty much miss what’s going on around me. Later on when I come to my senses I realize what I’ve missed and become sadder… and it comes full circle. Wishing I had done something different and then waiting for the next “chance” to come and hope it doesn’t overwhelm me and I don’t mess up.

How do I break this cycle?

Well… I can’t. I’ve been trying for about 9.5 years now. I can tell you this: I’m exhausted from trying.

This is where, in my opinion, God Showed me some extra Grace today. Taking this thought and some other principles that I’ve learned through my faith in Jesus I came to a realization that sounds so simple… I would almost like to go back in time and tell myself… just kidding.

When I became a Christian, that is when I accepted Jesus as my Savior. Realized that I was a sinner, and I couldn’t make up for the wrongs in my life, that I needed something more “trustworthy” than me to help me out and show me the way… wait I just typed “trustworthy.”

And that’s the point.

Check-In: I struggle with trusting God as a Christian, but in order to be a Christian I told God that I trusted Him.

I started off right it seems. What happened? Life happened? Ok that sounds easy to use as an excuse. I’ve been through/am going through a mom with a chronic disease, failed relationships, financial struggles in college, wondering where my next meal came from, selling things for that meal, packing up and moving to a state and city I had no clue about. ( I’m now wonderfully married… God is Good! )

Check-In: You know what? Simply I was already in a “city” and in a “state” when I was saved and thought God was Trustworthy. I had the same “mom” even though she was healthy at the time. I tell you what, a tree is still a tree no matter what season of weather we are in. What I’m driving at is that things in life are apart of “life” – they may change, mom got sick, the leaves on the tree turned orange in fall – but when it comes down to it, mom is still my mom… and well lots of trees turn orange in the fall. Did I become sick when mom did? No. Do I turn orange when the leaves of a tree do? No. So I guess life only affects me if I let it. Therefore I changed. Weird… and revolutionary.

How do I get back?

So here I am in a life, that I can’t go back and “edit,” that I can’t go into the future, come back and prepare for, inside a faith in Jesus that started by saying I believe and trust You God, I can’t do this on my own – worrying about what the rest of today will bring, whether I’ll sleep well tonight, whether I’ll get to work on time in the morning or not.

I can’t get back. Just like going back in time. I just simply can’t. To be honest I don’t think I would if I could. The journey I’m on has led to good things. My Wife, my current friends and job, etc.

So life ( people, places, things ) changed. I changed. Is there anything that hasn’t changed?

Yes. God. He’s still the same exact way He Was, Is, and Will Be. He’s Still the Same as when I first told Him that I trust Him.

If I do look back without putting on my “woulda, coulda, shoulda” glasses I can actually see that God Was Helping me the entire time. Amazing. So in the end I can’t trust life, I can’t trust myself, but it seems that I can trust God. He’s Still the Same. I’ve been praying to Him this entire time, and even in the midst of all this He Spoke to me today and helped me see this oxymoron of what I’m putting my trust in.

When I realized what was going, I felt a burden lift off my shoulders. When I prayed and told God, “I trust You, I can’t do this, I don’t want to, I need Your Help;” God Answered.

A verse came to mind:

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Then more later in the day:

Proverbs 3:5-7

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

Interesting note, on this Jeremiah passage. In verse 14 it says that “I carried you into exile.” God carried them there? Interesting. Sounds harsh. But then I realized, what if God Said, “I sent you” or “I banished you” – that delivers a whole new meaning. It would seem God carried them. That sounds a lot nicer as it means that even in “exile” God Was Still With them. He even Says that if they seek Him, they will find Him.

Check-In: This means that really – I’m going to sleep tonight… I’ll wake up Lord Willing and go to work, right now will disappear into an inaccessible point in the past and I’ll forge ahead with God to discover what’s new tomorrow.

Matthew 11:25-30

25 At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; 26 yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. 27 All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Sometimes it feels hard to trust God. A lot of bad things have happened to me, maybe have happened to you. It’s easy to confuse why these things are happening. Wrong choices by people or blame God? I see now that I am choosing not to trust God. Again Romans. No person, place, or thing is twisting my arm or taking over my brain and making me “not trust God.” That’s my own choice. Seems every reason I come up with for not trusting God somehow either falls under people, places, or things changing – but not God. He’s Always There.

Romans 8:37-39

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He’s Brought me out of my 9.5 year “exile,” ( Jeremiah verses ) and His Promises are fulfilled every day. I have seen Him Answer my prayers over a span of years and in less than a second. I am struggling with my past, present, and future only because I don’t actively put my trust in God knowing that He Has them all in His Hand. Knowing that 5 years ago when I was worrying He Had it all in His Hand then too… and look here I am typing this. Looks like using 5 years ago proves that things weren’t as bad as I had thought. This makes me really interested, hopeful this time, as to what God Will Do in another 5 years.

Worry and distrust – hope and trust.

John 20:24-27

24 Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

26 Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.”

I encourage you to uninstall the desire to time travel.

Live in the now, actively trusting God, and trusting Him to take care of the “quantum logistics.” Today I’ve committed myself to trusting God. A simple mental exercise is that with every fear and concern try to make your immediate response “I trust You Lord, please help.” Say it in your head, out loud, write it down – whatever works.

The quickest way to trust Him, is to ask Him for help. Accept Jesus as the “Help.” The everlasting saving trust comes from a relationship with Jesus only. Relationship with Jesus sound hard? It may sound that way, but it’s not. May not be easy, but it can bring stability and peace to life’s hard situations. Give it a try, talk to God about it. Trust that He’s Listening.

Trying to trust God more and more in Jesus,
-Randall

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